Leanin' |
-- while healing, learning & growing |
An Ode to the Wall 10.19.2024
My Tony is a retired firefighter -- a man who has seen more than any human being should have to see. He's seen his share of dead bodies of all ages in unimaginable conditions. He used to fight fires in his sleep, but not so much any more.
When I met him, I could tell he had a wall up. A wall that I thought he "hid" behind. Today in a Gestalt Soul Care session, I learned that the wall is in front of him to protect me and others who see him and love him. This was my journal entry as I spoke to the wall.
"I thought you were hard and that he was behind you. Today I learned that you are soft -- a safe place, and you are behind him. Thank you for fulfilling your function, your assignment, your place. Thank you for keeping him safe -- for keeping those who love him safe. Thank you for keeping me safe. It was my honor to meet you. I appreciate you."
Father, now that I have met the wall, I pray that you heal every memory that scrolls like a movie before Tony's eyes. I ask you to keep him and give him so much peace it'll mess him up. We love you Father and it our privilege and pleasure to serve one another in you.
My Tony is a retired firefighter -- a man who has seen more than any human being should have to see. He's seen his share of dead bodies of all ages in unimaginable conditions. He used to fight fires in his sleep, but not so much any more.
When I met him, I could tell he had a wall up. A wall that I thought he "hid" behind. Today in a Gestalt Soul Care session, I learned that the wall is in front of him to protect me and others who see him and love him. This was my journal entry as I spoke to the wall.
"I thought you were hard and that he was behind you. Today I learned that you are soft -- a safe place, and you are behind him. Thank you for fulfilling your function, your assignment, your place. Thank you for keeping him safe -- for keeping those who love him safe. Thank you for keeping me safe. It was my honor to meet you. I appreciate you."
Father, now that I have met the wall, I pray that you heal every memory that scrolls like a movie before Tony's eyes. I ask you to keep him and give him so much peace it'll mess him up. We love you Father and it our privilege and pleasure to serve one another in you.
Writings from another time, another place - before God sent Tony.
I have considered myself a writer for a long time. So how come it just hit me the other day that I am a writer? Crazy or what! I turned 50 a few years ago (2010). I remember when that seemed not just old, but ancient. But, I’m old enough to now to say that age is “relative” and still too young to know anything about life — yeah right! I am a writer and I have a lot to say. So hang in here with me as I share, learn and grow.
Why Leanin’?
‘Cause I didn’t get where I am on my own. I’ve been blessed with wonderful, supportive and loving people in my life. I’ve leaned on them and they have leaned on me. But my favorite leanin’ spot is His everlasting arm and His saving love.
Love to you and yours and I pray these writings touch your heart,
Cathy
October 2023
I have considered myself a writer for a long time. So how come it just hit me the other day that I am a writer? Crazy or what! I turned 50 a few years ago (2010). I remember when that seemed not just old, but ancient. But, I’m old enough to now to say that age is “relative” and still too young to know anything about life — yeah right! I am a writer and I have a lot to say. So hang in here with me as I share, learn and grow.
Why Leanin’?
‘Cause I didn’t get where I am on my own. I’ve been blessed with wonderful, supportive and loving people in my life. I’ve leaned on them and they have leaned on me. But my favorite leanin’ spot is His everlasting arm and His saving love.
Love to you and yours and I pray these writings touch your heart,
Cathy
October 2023
The Routine of it All 5.3.2014
Children crave order. As a young adult, it was difficult for me to grasp this concept. But it seemed to be in all the books and magazines I read about parenting. I just didn’t know where to begin. I had never established order. Everything I read assumed that I had the perfect life with beautiful decor and lots of functional furniture spread throughout a lovely home. Well — let’s just say that wasn’t my testimony. I lived in a two bedroom apartment without furniture; our clothes were in huge trash bags, life’s necessities were in boxes, and I had a little boy looking at everything I did wondering where his daddy was.
How was I supposed to create order now? I thought I would be one of two parents, but everything had changed so quickly. I didn’t know where to begin. But there he was, staring up at me like I had all the answers. “Lord,” I prayed, “I don’t know what to do. Please help us!”
And He answered. I began to write out schedules – mine and his. I got up each day and together we began following our schedule. Over time, I noticed that when we followed our schedule, my son was very agreeable. He was all boy, but manageable. But when our schedule changed, he was irritable, cranky and hard to handle. And those were the days when I felt like a failure at being a good mommy. I would yell, scream and spank and it didn’t seem to phase him. I, on the other hand, felt like a crazed fool. At those moments, everyone was at fault except me. BUT – on those days that we kept our schedule, he was a different child. Still all boy, but he listened, he was happy and giggly, he was my sweet little boy.
Over time I learned that routines establish order and peace in a child’s life. I could almost predict his behavior by the order of the day. Which also helped me to be more patient with him when I knew that our routine would be different on a particular day. And on those totally unpredictable days, when nothing would proceed as planned, I would ask God to help me manage his and my attitude. Some days, I didn’t go to Him soon enough, but I learned.
By the time I had my daughter, I was older, wiser, and understood the importance of routines. She was a very different child. And she loved the routines until she turned 10, but I’ll save that story for another time.
Wherever you are in your parenting journey, ask Jesus to lead you in writing out a routine that fits your life. You will find that everything from making beds to bedtime preparation becomes less tedious when you and your child(ren) know what to expect and it helps them to take on responsibility one task at a time.
Children crave order. As a young adult, it was difficult for me to grasp this concept. But it seemed to be in all the books and magazines I read about parenting. I just didn’t know where to begin. I had never established order. Everything I read assumed that I had the perfect life with beautiful decor and lots of functional furniture spread throughout a lovely home. Well — let’s just say that wasn’t my testimony. I lived in a two bedroom apartment without furniture; our clothes were in huge trash bags, life’s necessities were in boxes, and I had a little boy looking at everything I did wondering where his daddy was.
How was I supposed to create order now? I thought I would be one of two parents, but everything had changed so quickly. I didn’t know where to begin. But there he was, staring up at me like I had all the answers. “Lord,” I prayed, “I don’t know what to do. Please help us!”
And He answered. I began to write out schedules – mine and his. I got up each day and together we began following our schedule. Over time, I noticed that when we followed our schedule, my son was very agreeable. He was all boy, but manageable. But when our schedule changed, he was irritable, cranky and hard to handle. And those were the days when I felt like a failure at being a good mommy. I would yell, scream and spank and it didn’t seem to phase him. I, on the other hand, felt like a crazed fool. At those moments, everyone was at fault except me. BUT – on those days that we kept our schedule, he was a different child. Still all boy, but he listened, he was happy and giggly, he was my sweet little boy.
Over time I learned that routines establish order and peace in a child’s life. I could almost predict his behavior by the order of the day. Which also helped me to be more patient with him when I knew that our routine would be different on a particular day. And on those totally unpredictable days, when nothing would proceed as planned, I would ask God to help me manage his and my attitude. Some days, I didn’t go to Him soon enough, but I learned.
By the time I had my daughter, I was older, wiser, and understood the importance of routines. She was a very different child. And she loved the routines until she turned 10, but I’ll save that story for another time.
Wherever you are in your parenting journey, ask Jesus to lead you in writing out a routine that fits your life. You will find that everything from making beds to bedtime preparation becomes less tedious when you and your child(ren) know what to expect and it helps them to take on responsibility one task at a time.
The Struggle 3.26. 2014
Mothering can sometimes feel like a thankless, endless, sleepless journey. It can appear as a tug of war competition between your life before children versus what you might consider your “non-life” now. A struggle between the old you and the now you; the days before your name changed to Mommy. Oh, they are so cute, cuddly and sweet. And then they wake up! You know that children are a blessing, but some days it may not feel like it. I could go and on, but you get my drift.
So now what? What do you do now? Well, you must learn to encourage yourself. Your mindset needs a realignment and your heart needs an overhaul. But where do you begin? You begin by sitting still – yes, still. Quiet your heart. Quiet your mind. Be quiet emotions. Be quiet complaints. No murmuring. Now pick up your journal and your Bible. And pour your heart out to the One who made you, the One who loves you. And as you read, hear what He has to say to your heart. Write, cry, pray. Give your son to Him. Give your daughter to Him. One at a time – give them each to Him. Now give you to Him. And give dad to Him. Now breathe and do what He says.
Mothering can sometimes feel like a thankless, endless, sleepless journey. It can appear as a tug of war competition between your life before children versus what you might consider your “non-life” now. A struggle between the old you and the now you; the days before your name changed to Mommy. Oh, they are so cute, cuddly and sweet. And then they wake up! You know that children are a blessing, but some days it may not feel like it. I could go and on, but you get my drift.
So now what? What do you do now? Well, you must learn to encourage yourself. Your mindset needs a realignment and your heart needs an overhaul. But where do you begin? You begin by sitting still – yes, still. Quiet your heart. Quiet your mind. Be quiet emotions. Be quiet complaints. No murmuring. Now pick up your journal and your Bible. And pour your heart out to the One who made you, the One who loves you. And as you read, hear what He has to say to your heart. Write, cry, pray. Give your son to Him. Give your daughter to Him. One at a time – give them each to Him. Now give you to Him. And give dad to Him. Now breathe and do what He says.
I Laughed 4.3.2012
Have you ever genuinely laughed at something and then almost immediately started crying? In a moment like this recently, I realized that God was answering a prayer in a most unexpected way …
In that moment He opened my eyes and I saw more clearly than I had seen in a very long time. In that moment I felt a shift in the spirit and nothing would ever be the same again. I laughed and God winked. I cried and God said, “yes.”
Have you ever genuinely laughed at something and then almost immediately started crying? In a moment like this recently, I realized that God was answering a prayer in a most unexpected way …
In that moment He opened my eyes and I saw more clearly than I had seen in a very long time. In that moment I felt a shift in the spirit and nothing would ever be the same again. I laughed and God winked. I cried and God said, “yes.”
Long time comin' 2.6.2010
Winter 2010. More flakes have fallen than I can remember in a long time. And while the flakes cause let us say … some disruption … I am still loving the opportunity for stillness. It’s been a long time comin’.
So, today during my opportunity for stillness, I watched the snow flakes fall, and fall, and fall … and I was reminded of the last few chapters of Job. You know, where God responds to Job’s whining and accusations. Beginning in the 38th chapter, I slowly read one phrase at a time. His heart, His will, His sovereignty was there in each word, throughout each phrase, all over each page and I couldn’t help but wonder why we find it so hard to just hear and obey. He knows where hale is stored and the oceans doorway. He established the order of the stars, moons and planets. He put all things living just where He wanted them, just when He wanted to. The snow flakes continue to fall … there is no end to His power.
Winter 2010. More flakes have fallen than I can remember in a long time. And while the flakes cause let us say … some disruption … I am still loving the opportunity for stillness. It’s been a long time comin’.
So, today during my opportunity for stillness, I watched the snow flakes fall, and fall, and fall … and I was reminded of the last few chapters of Job. You know, where God responds to Job’s whining and accusations. Beginning in the 38th chapter, I slowly read one phrase at a time. His heart, His will, His sovereignty was there in each word, throughout each phrase, all over each page and I couldn’t help but wonder why we find it so hard to just hear and obey. He knows where hale is stored and the oceans doorway. He established the order of the stars, moons and planets. He put all things living just where He wanted them, just when He wanted to. The snow flakes continue to fall … there is no end to His power.
Pause 12.23.2009
It snowed like nobody’s business the other day — 27 inches! CVille hasn”t seen that much snow at one time in over 10 years. The snow brought beauty, gridlock, cabin fever … and for some, sadly, tragic loss.
But it also brought a pause … a time to sit and breathe. A time to reflect on … the season. The snarled traffic. The endless mark-ups and then the “for sale signs” so that you think you’re getting a good deal. The lights — some are beautiful, some are gawdy and just plain hideous. And the endless Rudolphs and Santas on lawns great and small. Live nativities, plastic nativities. Banquets, plays, you name it, it’s on someone’s schedule. Oh, I almost forgot — the pause …
Ten years ago I chose to stop celebrating “Christmas”; my children were 13 and 4 and everyone, I mean EVERYONE thought I was crazy! But, from all that I could find (and I’ve searched and researched), “Christmas” was celebrated long before Christ was born. I hate doing anything for the sake of just doing it and when I found out that He really isn’t the reason for the season, I made a decision. “But how can you cheat your children like that?” — if I had a dollar; no fifty cents for every time I’ve been asked that question, I’d be living on a ship right now sailing around the world 24/7, 365 … but alas, that just ain’t my testimony! Let the church say … AMEN!
I used to say, like many Christians, that Jesus is the reason for the season. But the truth is that Jesus is the reason for every season, every month, every day, every moment, every “every”. December 25th comes and goes every year, but my reason for life lives on minute by minute in and through me. And for that, I am eternally grateful. Pause …
It snowed like nobody’s business the other day — 27 inches! CVille hasn”t seen that much snow at one time in over 10 years. The snow brought beauty, gridlock, cabin fever … and for some, sadly, tragic loss.
But it also brought a pause … a time to sit and breathe. A time to reflect on … the season. The snarled traffic. The endless mark-ups and then the “for sale signs” so that you think you’re getting a good deal. The lights — some are beautiful, some are gawdy and just plain hideous. And the endless Rudolphs and Santas on lawns great and small. Live nativities, plastic nativities. Banquets, plays, you name it, it’s on someone’s schedule. Oh, I almost forgot — the pause …
Ten years ago I chose to stop celebrating “Christmas”; my children were 13 and 4 and everyone, I mean EVERYONE thought I was crazy! But, from all that I could find (and I’ve searched and researched), “Christmas” was celebrated long before Christ was born. I hate doing anything for the sake of just doing it and when I found out that He really isn’t the reason for the season, I made a decision. “But how can you cheat your children like that?” — if I had a dollar; no fifty cents for every time I’ve been asked that question, I’d be living on a ship right now sailing around the world 24/7, 365 … but alas, that just ain’t my testimony! Let the church say … AMEN!
I used to say, like many Christians, that Jesus is the reason for the season. But the truth is that Jesus is the reason for every season, every month, every day, every moment, every “every”. December 25th comes and goes every year, but my reason for life lives on minute by minute in and through me. And for that, I am eternally grateful. Pause …
The Mirror: Pride, Arrogance, and Nasty Conceit. 11.16.2009
These were the only words I could find the other night as I described memories of my old self. With four other women, I sat in the presence of the Lord and He brought back my thoughts as a young mother after the birth of my first child. I was 26 and I was filled with pride that he had been born “in” wedlock. [We will not discuss the condition of that wedlock, okay? Let’s just say it was pitiful!] I was filled with arrogance as I compared myself to others who had had children out of wedlock. What a putrid, nasty conceit! It almost made me sick to think of what a foul smell my attitude must have been in God’s nostrils. The truth of the matter is that even though I had not had a child out of wedlock, I certainly had had sex outside of marriage; I just hadn’t gotten “caught”.
The mirror of God’s presence can be a place of healing or denial. In His presence, He shows us His holiness and our needy selves. Will I EVER measure up??!! By my own efforts, my answer is surely “No”. But as I accept His forgiveness and I forgive myself, I am able to minister not only out of empathy, but, more importantly, out of His love.
Thank you for the mirror, O Lord. Please continue to show me myself. I want nothing unconfessed; nothing from today and nothing from 23 years ago. I desire nothing that will keep me from being effective in you.
And for the many women I judged in pride, arrogance and nasty conceit, please forgive me. You may never know who you are, but I do. And I am so sorry.
These were the only words I could find the other night as I described memories of my old self. With four other women, I sat in the presence of the Lord and He brought back my thoughts as a young mother after the birth of my first child. I was 26 and I was filled with pride that he had been born “in” wedlock. [We will not discuss the condition of that wedlock, okay? Let’s just say it was pitiful!] I was filled with arrogance as I compared myself to others who had had children out of wedlock. What a putrid, nasty conceit! It almost made me sick to think of what a foul smell my attitude must have been in God’s nostrils. The truth of the matter is that even though I had not had a child out of wedlock, I certainly had had sex outside of marriage; I just hadn’t gotten “caught”.
The mirror of God’s presence can be a place of healing or denial. In His presence, He shows us His holiness and our needy selves. Will I EVER measure up??!! By my own efforts, my answer is surely “No”. But as I accept His forgiveness and I forgive myself, I am able to minister not only out of empathy, but, more importantly, out of His love.
Thank you for the mirror, O Lord. Please continue to show me myself. I want nothing unconfessed; nothing from today and nothing from 23 years ago. I desire nothing that will keep me from being effective in you.
And for the many women I judged in pride, arrogance and nasty conceit, please forgive me. You may never know who you are, but I do. And I am so sorry.
Slow My Roll 11.13.2009
So many thoughts rushing through my mind … it’s hard to know where to begin. This is the spot to which I will come to think out loud; to ponder, to decide. My life is too busy, but I am grateful that I see it gradually slowing down. I recently went on my first cruise with my best friend in the world; it was her first too. We had a ball — enjoying the sights, meeting new people, just spending time together as sisters. It was wonderful!
But you know, I realized on that trip that my life was a whirlwind that I didn’t want to resume. It was frightening to be on the outside looking into my life. I am a servant of the Lord. For more than twenty years, my focus has been other people. I love ministry, but I realized on that ship that somehow I had lost balance. So, as the ship docked and it was time for me to return to busy-ness, my mind refused! My body said “No”! So here I am, looking at the reality of letting go of precious parts of my life. I will continue to serve, but I must admit that much of what I’ve been doing these last several years has been driven by other people’s needs and I’ve ignored my own. Simple things like rest and cleaning my house.
So, here I go — letting go, passing the baton, changing lanes, slowing down. No, I’m not leaving the track nor the race. I’ve just decided to slow my roll, change the pace.
So many thoughts rushing through my mind … it’s hard to know where to begin. This is the spot to which I will come to think out loud; to ponder, to decide. My life is too busy, but I am grateful that I see it gradually slowing down. I recently went on my first cruise with my best friend in the world; it was her first too. We had a ball — enjoying the sights, meeting new people, just spending time together as sisters. It was wonderful!
But you know, I realized on that trip that my life was a whirlwind that I didn’t want to resume. It was frightening to be on the outside looking into my life. I am a servant of the Lord. For more than twenty years, my focus has been other people. I love ministry, but I realized on that ship that somehow I had lost balance. So, as the ship docked and it was time for me to return to busy-ness, my mind refused! My body said “No”! So here I am, looking at the reality of letting go of precious parts of my life. I will continue to serve, but I must admit that much of what I’ve been doing these last several years has been driven by other people’s needs and I’ve ignored my own. Simple things like rest and cleaning my house.
So, here I go — letting go, passing the baton, changing lanes, slowing down. No, I’m not leaving the track nor the race. I’ve just decided to slow my roll, change the pace.
c.m.k.l.a. 10.13.2009
Five initials – c.m.k.l.a. I was born to the first three – cathy (with a “C”), michele (with one “L” thank you!), kerr (that’s E-R, not A-R).
What to do with the last two? Divorce does not erase the realities brought forth by marriage. A decree does not nullify the experiences nor the memories – both fond and frightful. I feel I owe it to who I am to retain the last two. After all, without those two initials, I would be quite a different person. Those two would both technically fall into the “P” category of His will – permissive NOT perfect. Because of Grace, I learned about me, probably more than I ever wanted to know. Because of Mercy, I live.
I wish I could say with assurance that given the same circumstances again, I would make different choices. But I don’t really know that – do I? So, what to do with the last two?
I believe I’ll teach, talk, and testify. I'll pray, preach, and pray some more. I'll listen and — with you — release the tears.
Maybe you will make better choices.
Perhaps you will do it differently.
Let us bow our hearts and pray …
Five initials – c.m.k.l.a. I was born to the first three – cathy (with a “C”), michele (with one “L” thank you!), kerr (that’s E-R, not A-R).
What to do with the last two? Divorce does not erase the realities brought forth by marriage. A decree does not nullify the experiences nor the memories – both fond and frightful. I feel I owe it to who I am to retain the last two. After all, without those two initials, I would be quite a different person. Those two would both technically fall into the “P” category of His will – permissive NOT perfect. Because of Grace, I learned about me, probably more than I ever wanted to know. Because of Mercy, I live.
I wish I could say with assurance that given the same circumstances again, I would make different choices. But I don’t really know that – do I? So, what to do with the last two?
I believe I’ll teach, talk, and testify. I'll pray, preach, and pray some more. I'll listen and — with you — release the tears.
Maybe you will make better choices.
Perhaps you will do it differently.
Let us bow our hearts and pray …
Copyright 2023 Cathy Ames Turner, PhD. All rights reserved.